In the premier post of Kuinua, I shared my reasons for beginning this journey. My intention is to inspire you to be better. At the same time, I hope to grow and push myself to some limits that have never been touched.
If you recall, last week I briefly mentioned that I had struggled with self-confidence in the past. I would like to explain why. Before I was even 21, I dated someone for several years. During that time he would often make me feel like I wasn't good enough to be with him - like he was doing me a favor. Initially, I didn't realize what was happening. The relationship lasted for several years and each year I stayed around the more I was broken down. There was no logical reason for me subjecting myself to his behavior. I had a great childhood and supportive family and friends. I lost my identity. There were even some that encouraged me to try and save the relationship. Some did it because they genuinely wanted me to be happy and knew that I wanted the relationship to work. Others knew how damaging his behavior was and I can only guess they cared more about what it would look like if we ended the relationship.
I'm definitely ok now, but years ago I was not. How did I get over it? I can't take all of the credit. God truly had to deal with me and it was not easy. All of those years I harbored feelings of being incomplete and uselessness. No one really knew and I absolutely didn't go around spilling my guts. My hurt did not just effect me. It effected everything I was a part of - EVERYTHING.
Although that relationship did contribute to my low self esteem, it was not the only cause. I have to accept the responsibility in some of it. I was player in the game also.
Here's what I know: we are in control of our lives. We have the authority to let people in or dismiss those who no longer belong. Hindsight is 20/20 and just reliving some of those feelings right now reminds me that we also need to be mature enough to be able to see intentions. Life has a funny way of teaching us if we aren't quite ready. I definitely was not ready then, but now I am. Now, being ready comes in the form of sharing my experience to help someone else.
I can't say this enough - be intentional. Make your moves with a purpose and a vision. Your people (those that you consider to be close enough to share aspirations and dreams with) should be intentional also. If they do not add value to your life, tread lightly. It could be that you were chosen to pour into them, but if it continues to be a one-way influence then it may be time to re-evaluate.
Embrace your experience (good or bad), learn the lesson, and move on. It was meant to make you better and not drag you down. Your story, no matter what it is, is relevant. Share it when the time is right.
Until next time in the safe place,