As I sat in a semi truck somewhere between Wisconsin and Chicago on a freezing January night, refusing to move out of the warmth of the sleeper, I began swiping through movies on my Showtime Anytime app. I was bored, and sick of being surrounded by snow and freezing wind gusts. I needed a good movie to take me away from it all. I’d ignored the movie Green Book for over a year now, not wanting to see the cruelty and hatred displayed towards my people. But tonight, my inner monologue said, “Let’s give it a try. If anger begins to stir up, we’ll turn it off. Deal?” “Deal,” my reply to myself.Instantly, I developed tunnel vision. I could kick myself, not really, for waiting so long to watch it. My eyes and ears were fixated on this brilliant film with its magnificent actors. I hung onto every moment and every word. Then BAM...this brilliant soul spilled out a powerful and heart wrenching monologue, “Yes, I live in a castle! Alone. And rich white folks let me play piano for them, because it makes them feel cultured. But when I walk off that stage, I go right back to being just another nigga to them—because that is their true culture. And I suffer that slight alone, because I’m not accepted by my own people because I’m not like them either! So, if I’m not black enough, and I’m not white enough, and I’m not man enough, what am I?!” Pause. Rewind. Replay. Hit me with it again Mahershala Ali! Then I reflected on how many of us, especially people of color have undoubtedly felt this way? Quickly, my mind shuffled through memories. And yes--there it was. Fear -- the fear of not being accepted -- fear of being alone -- fear of not fitting in -- fear of being called weird. Which I’ve been called before by a stupid guy because I left him a poem, written by me, and one long stemmed yellow rose. I never did that again! But that’s another story for another time. Searching deeper into the crevices of my mind, my heart began to sink as one revealing conversation ascended like a blade of grass. A conversation that answered every question I’d ever had; every question I’d ever been asked. Before me sat a beautiful soul that I’d admired my entire childhood. She had the looks, intellect, proper grammar, and vocabulary that often had us scratching our heads, saying, “Ummm. Yeah, I don’t know what that means.” However, the very things I admired were the things others despised. How could this be?
Brilliance...Beauty...Black. How can you not love this?! Nevertheless. My cousin was told repeatedly as a child, “You think you’re white.” You think you’re better than us.” And I believed it because I remember at times being asked, “Why she talk like that?” To be honest I’d said it once or twice. But not because of the extensive vocabulary nor the proper enunciation of words. It was because of that damn BABY TALK. “Grrrr!” LOL. “Here she go! She’s going to get her way, AGAIN.” Yes, I was hating because she got her way with her baby talk. But I still admired and adored her. Could she have made better choices? Absolutely. If she’d known my admiration for who she was and how others looked up to her, would that have changed some of her decisions? Maybe. Maybe not. Still, I wish she’d expressed her feelings before she’d made life changing decisions. Behind my lens was someone that had everything. Behind hers, she felt she did not have her blackness; she wasn’t black enough, she didn’t fit into the black box – the black brand – nor the white box. Click here to read:
10 Comments
S DeBose
4/15/2020 05:57:49 pm
Good read! I am looking forward to more of your work.
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Tonika
4/26/2020 07:27:52 pm
Thank you! More coming soon.
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Sedrick
4/15/2020 10:38:34 pm
That was beautiful and it was well said I believe everybody can relate to that story
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Tonika
4/26/2020 07:28:24 pm
Absolutely! Thank you!
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Marvin Brown
4/19/2020 09:12:31 pm
Well, you know I don't have that problem, I probably will never have that problem. Because I'm black as black can get. But people shouldn't give a Damn about what other people think of them anyway. You have to Love yourself. I know Love me some Marvin Brown!!!!😘😍🥰 Because before you can love someone else you must learn to love yourself first. I love what you are doing, keep up the great work..........✌
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Tonika
4/26/2020 07:29:57 pm
Some of us have to grow into it. Thanks Mr. M. Brown!
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LaMecha
4/22/2020 11:11:01 pm
This was a great read. And I can relate to the movie Green Book and procrastinating to watch it.
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Tonika
4/26/2020 07:31:16 pm
Thanks a mil LaMecha!
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