BEYOND THE SON..

Inappropriate mother and son relationships. This is a very touchy subject that should be addressed no matter how uncomfortable it makes us feel. Mothers using their sons to fulfill the emotional needs and in some cases molding him into the perfect spouse. Mental health professionals call this enmeshment.
It's an unhealthy dependency and attachment between two people like a parent with their child. 

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Signs of enmeshment :

• You neglect other relationships because of a preoccupation or compulsion to be in the relationship.
• Your happiness or contentment relies on your relationship.
• Your self-esteem is contingent upon this relationship.
• When there’s a conflict or disagreement in your relationship, you feel extreme anxiety or fear or a compulsion to fix the problem.
• When you’re not around this person or can’t talk to them, “a feeling of loneliness pervades [your] psyche. Without that connection, the loneliness will increase to the point of creating irrational desires to reconnect.”
• There’s a “symbiotic emotional connection.” If they’re angry, anxious or depressed, you’re also angry, anxious or depressed. “You absorb those feelings and are drawn to remediate them.”

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We asked a few women to share their opinion on mother/son relationships and how they feel about women who treat their sons like husbands. Here's what they had to say.

S.Stewart:  As a mother of three boys, I find myself enamored with them and their behaviors. Maybe this is because I had two sisters growing up. Perhaps that's why I am intrigued with their interactions. In any case, my intrigue with them is always observant, never intrusive, unless they are harming one another. I am taking care of boys, but I'm raising men - men that will one day leave me and have their own lives to live. It's important for me that my sons feel no expectations from me in the form of filling any voids in my life. I'm the parent. My job is to fill them with what they need to be morally sound, well adjusted, productive men. They can't achieve that if I have raised them feeling as though I expect something from them other than their respect as their mother.
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Mothers who treat their sons like husbands.

Women may unknowingly place expectations on their sons that could make them seem more like a husband instead of a child. In my opinion, this is unfair. We are tasked as mothers raising sons to create a home life that promotes their safety, builds their self esteem, allows them the freedom to explore their personal growth, and create their own relationships separate from us. Our own personal needs can not be fulfilled by our sons. Healthy, respectful boundaries create mentally strong young men with clear ideas of what healthy relationships are like.

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Anonymous: I think if a  mother treats her son like he's her husband it's because he allows it and a female will have problems out of them in the future.
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Tami Lee: The relationship I have with my son is very special to me. He and I are able to talk about anything. Since he was old enough to hold a conversation I have always kept the lines of communication open. Communication has allowed him to learn how to channel his emotions and to be able to express and understand how he feels. I try to be involved in all aspects of his life, yet not overbearing, but simply guide his decision making and help him find his own solutions. It is very important to teach the significance of taking responsibility for your actions and to establish respect when raising a son; this must be instilled at a young age. If a boy is taught to honor his mother, I believe he will know how to treat others (especially women). My son is very respectful, well rounded, and I am proud of the man he is growing to be. 
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Mothers who treat their sons like husbands.
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This is very unhealthy for both mother and son. The mother is dependent on the son to fill a void and the son thinks he is the man of the household. The mother allows the son to step into an inactive role of a companion, therefore making it hard for her to fill the inactive role of a man because it is already being filled by her son. The son begins to reflect that he is in control (the center of mother's attention) and parent-child boundaries are being crossed (i.e., son wants to know mother's every move, is jealous of mother's interactions with others, mother's whole world revolves around her son and what he wants and needs). In the event that the mother finds a man the son will have a hard time adjusting, knowing his place, and where he exactly fits in. This may lead to behavior issues or a strained relationship between mother and son or son and mother's new man.  

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Raising sons is an experience that I will always cherish. I have two sons who are nine years apart with very different personalities. My eldest is 17 and I raised him to be independent, a thinker, caring, and compassionate. I used education and tough love to motivate him. My youngest son is 8 and he is a mother’s boy. He is calm yet competitive, a sports enthusiast, thoughtful, and popular with kids and parents. 

My relationship with my 17 year old is more of a mentor-type relationship. I had him when I was 15 and so we grew up together. I had no idea what I was doing as far as raising him. I made sure that I was honest with him about life. I am not raising my youngest son the same way because I am older and smarter. I took precaution with exposing him to things and I placed less emphasis on education. I found out it wasn’t necessary to tell him the truth about everything in life (because I don’t know everything) and I gave him room to explore. 

My goal in raising my sons is for them to become self-sufficient men. I do not baby my boys and I don’t want them growing up thinking that I am all they have. The world is huge and they need as many connections as possible to understand folks. I want them to be actors and not reactors. Babying a son or having him feel like the most important man in a mother’s world kills his ability to make connections with mortals. It can also hinder his ability to leave the home and formulate healthy relationships with the opposite sex. I remember my aunt babying the hell out of her son and he turned into being a man who felt the world owed him and he refused the word “no.” Watching my cousin grow into a spoiled man who spent his earlier years in and out of the system made me leery about treating my son’s as the epitome of perfection or like a husband.
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-Kiss Jones

The goal in treating enmeshment is to create emotional differentiation.
We strongly suggest you seek family therapy if you believe that you're suffering from this condition.
By K. Graves

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